For the Black Church Girls, Reclaiming Their Time
Thank you @Randomhouse for gifting me this book. First, I have to give a huge shout out to the team at Random house for getting this book out before winter break!
“…sisters have a right to know joy and pleasure in a world which seeks to take those feelings from us.”
On April 13, 2019, I tweeted, “I love the perspective Candice brings to her writing. As a girl I chose the church, as a woman I left the church. She writes in a way where I see my own reflection in her words. This is the authentic writing I hope to create.”
I believe my first introduction to Candice Benbow was her creation of the #LemonadeSyllabus for Beyoncé’s visual album. When I would see Candice tweeting about the Black church I thought, she gets me! So, being able to read this book in advance was an absolute gift! I kept finding myself saying, “Mmm Hmm”. I related on so many levels. I had a promise ring (i.e. Pinky Promise), I’ve dealt with depression, and “church hurt”, etc.
I approached my Christianity the same way I did school. My Mother recalls, me being so focused and frustrated about something I was writing, that I erased until I ripped the paper. She doesn’t know where I got this desire to be perfect from. When applied to my need to please the Lord, it didn’t make me the best person to be around. I was very judgmental of my peers. Candice talks about this in - God and Other Reformed Helicopter Parents.
“We thought we were better because church folk told us we were.”
Once I finished Red Lip Theology, I had to call my Mom to help me accurately recall my own childhood memories of church life. As the saying goes, I grew up with a praying Grandmother. I was raised by educators and sanctified Black church women.
Many of us can relate to the “spoken rules” and corrections we received as young Black girls. Candice recalls her Mother refusing to address the church to apology because she had a child “out of wedlock”. Attending a small, traditional church, I’d come to hear of other rules such as wearing tights under dresses, only skirts past the knee, etc.
This was a quick read. It reminded me of the importance of giving yourself space to mess up, and focusing on seeking wholeness and joy in life. It spoke to the need to create and define your OWN personal relationship with God for yourself, not as your Mother, or Grandmother shared it with you.
Reading this book continued to bring up old memories, but also surrounded me with a spirit of love and gentleness. After so many years of constant self-infliction wrapped under the guise of being less sinful and more Christ-like. How does that mentally affect a young person during their developmental years?
Personally, I believe a lot of my self-hate came from a never ending need to repent. To cry until my eyes were swollen, in grief and disappointment for knowing better and not doing better. I knew the things not to do, but I don’t believe I fully grasped the concept of grace like I did sin and repentance. If I could, I would have gotten baptized a million times, whatever it took to feel clean, pure and “white as snow”. (*Insert Jesus Paid It All - Kirk Franklin & the Family and a light shoulder bounce, come on now 90s gospel still hits.)
“God doesn’t expect perfection from us, and yet we place that expectation on ourselves.”
I think that’s what Candice wants us (Black church girls now women who need to unlearn some thangs!) to get is, we should be loving ourselves to the fullest in the midst of whatever mistakes we make, in the midst of walking down the road that we know isn’t going to lead us anywhere good, and finding joy in this one life we have to live. A life that was gifted to us, to choose how we will show up in it.
“Settling into yourself creates the opportunity to see yourself with grace and possibility.”
Who is Candice Marie Benbow? She is “extremely churched and spiritually fluid.”
“I am grounded by the teachings of Jesus, the wisdom of my ancestors, and the power of Black womanhood.”
She writes for Black Millennial Women of Faith. She writes for me and I feel seen, understood, and a little less alone. Candice is a fresh voice for those of us who may not exactly “fit-in” because of our “unconventional spirituality”. If you’ve been holy your whole life this might not be for you. If you’ve questioned some of the ways you’ve seen the institution of the church function, then go get this book!
